I grieved as I buried the part of my soul that was deeply stirred by reading the Word. I shed tears when I realized that through studying the Bible at Seminary, one of my most intimate ways of experiancing The Lord was suffocated under grades, quizes, and tests. Disecting the Scriptures for the head knowledge lead my heart passion to bleed out.
The exact reason I went to Seminary became the same reason I loathed it. What happened to those precious letters, those precious words-red and black? What happened to those verses, those chapters that aroused my heart so deeply I had them taped to my walls, to my dashboard, to my heart.
They had become to me as the first part of Isaiah 28:13 describes “So then, the word of the LORD to them will become: Do this, do that, a rule for this, a rule for that; a little here, a little there-” The Hebrew says it will become “sav lasav, sav lasav/kav lakav, kav lakav” which were just meaningless sounds, a modern day version of “blah, blah, blah/yada yada yada”.
And my worship through the word had become as Isaiah 29: 13 describes, “The Lord says: ‘These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based on merely human rules they have been taught.“
I went to Seminary because I knew I needed a stronger theological and Biblical foundation. I was like a sailboat with huge sails that would billow and blow wherever the wind would take me, but I did not have a rudder or anchor to stay on course or weather storms. And I knew I needed that. I needed both sails and a rudder. But while I was looking for grounding, I found I had let myself run aground. And not only did I run aground, I had lost my heart sails. So I was not going anywhere.
I was stuck.
I was stuck for years actually. I tried to read and listen to different versions of the Bible, desperate to get back my heart passion, desperate to let his word fill my soul. And though I tried in many different ways, I realized I could not do it on my own. I did not have the power to resurrect. That is God’s expertise. And so I waited.
PAINFULLY. I painfully, angrily, mournfully waited on him.
As my soul was dry and despondent, God sent a raindrop. And then another. And eventually it turned into a torrential downpour. The desert cracks in my heart absorbed every drop. The words seeped into my heart spaces. What was to me dead and buried, God was brining back to life in a beautiful new way.
God was leading me out of the blah blah blah place and back to the place He describes of his Word, “he (God) said, ‘This is the resting place, let the weary rest’ and, ‘This is the place for repose’ “ -Isaiah 28:12a. This lifeline of my heart had a beat again. No longer was it flatlined. And slowly, the beat grew into a regular pulse again.
God restored my sails. He sent a strong wind. And like a defibrillator to a heart, the wind caught my sails, dislodged the boat, and set it asail. This time, fully intact with the rudder and anchor.
And the wind has never felt more beautiful on my face.